


Movie Night

by White Aster (white_aster)



Category: XCOM (Video Games) & Related Fandoms, XCOM: Chimera Squad
Genre: Banter, Biological Asexuality, Friendship, Gen, the elders are dicks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-02 21:00:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24413236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/white_aster/pseuds/White%20Aster
Summary: It's movie night, and Zephyr regrets bringing up kissing SO MUCH.  So much.(a fluffy bit of dorksquad banter, no pairings)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 16





	Movie Night

**Author's Note:**

> **Author's Notes:**  
>  \- I have tried to adjust my headcanons from XCOM2:WoTC to be compliant with the Chimera Squad canon, and one that I am keeping is that the hybrids were engineered without sex organs. After all, they were made to follow orders, work/fight, and not much else. There was no need for them to reproduce (they could be cloned and tank-trained much faster), be able to bond together (you wouldn't want your mindless troops becoming more loyal to friends/lovers/children than they are to their masters), and...really, the Elders didn't seem the kind to keep around as powerful a drive as sex, unless it served them somehow. And I couldn't think of any reason it would, so yeah, snip snip goes the DNA and the hybrids get a more Sectoid-style smooth package down there. So, that is what Cherub and Zephyr are talking about. I think that this is compliant with Chimera Squad canon, really: there's mention of hybrids having families but those don't have to be sexual relationships or involve children. There's ads in the background about some of the aliens having children (particularly mutons), but I didn't see any involving small hybrids.  
> \- One could argue that if Zephyr was not a clone but instead some kind of human conversion product that she might still have her original equipment, but for all the reasons above, I'd argue that that might have been edited along with everything else ADVENT changed about her.  
> \- I know that eventually probably it makes more sense that they'd all have their own apartments or something, but you can't convince me that these idiots don't have movie nights together, even then.

"Ugh. Is it too much to ask that we get through one movie--one movie about _punching people_ , I might add--that doesn't include...." Zephyr waved a hand at the screen, where the hero and love interest were going in for their second lip-lock of the scene. "I mean...why?"

"Sex and safety," Axiom said, stubby clawed toes flexing in pleasure as he bit into his third notdog.

"What?"

"Shex and shafee." Axiom swallowed. "Two driving forces in humans' lives. Humans are still the major audience of any major motion picture, so it makes sense they'd craft the major and minor plot points around them. For this, the major plot is financial safety, will he win the tournament, etc. Minor plotline is the sex. I mean, it's not rocket science. If you want humans to pay attention, toss in some danger and sprinkle it with sex."

"Ugh," Zephyr said. 

Blueblood raised his hand without taking his attention off the screen. "I feel the need to be offended at the oversimplification of my species' psychology."

Axiom stopped in the middle of reaching for another 'dog from the nearly-empty plate on the coffeetable, looking over at him. "Am I wrong?"

Blueblood, fairly distracted by the heaving, barely-clad bosom on the screen, wiggled a hand in the air. "Eh."

"What'd we miss?" Terminal asked, dropping a container of Big Crunch in front of Axiom before flopping down into the battered green recliner.

"Kissing," Axiom said. "And Blueblood's offended."

Terminal stopped in the process of delivering snacks and stared at him. "Dude. Did you learn nothing from the sexual conduct training? Shame on you."

"Aw, we missed the kissing? I like the kissing parts," Cherub said, handing Blueblood a bowl of popcorn and taking a handful for himself before perching on the loveseat. "Could we scan back?"

Terminal looked hard at Axiom as he reached for the Big Crunch. "I did not get that for you and you are not eating it on the couch. If Godmother has to fish a crunchiegrub out of her pants again, you are on your own, buddy."

"Mmm," Axiom said, busily digging into the slightly rustling package.

"You _like_ the kissing parts." Zephyr said, staring at Cherub. She narrowed her eyes, obviously debating with herself before asking, "Why?"

"Kissing's fun," Cherub said, leaning in to fish the remote out from the soda cans and candy wrappers littering the coffee table. 

Zephyr huffed a laugh. "How would you know, Knock-off?"

"Well, I've done it, duh. Ha!" Cherub sat back, remote in hand, then noticed that everyone was staring at him, the movie forgotten on the screen. "What?"

"Cherub," Termnal said evenly, eyes narrowed. "Who do I have to punch? It's not Axiom, is it? I mean, it won't stop the facepunching, but I need to account for the time off."

"Pffft. Mutons don't kiss," Axiom said, tossing a grub in his mouth. "That's a human thing."

"Wh-what?" Cherub blinked at Terminal. "Why does kissing lead to punching?"

"Why would you kiss anyone anyway?" Zephyr asked, face scrunched up. "We can't even do the sex thing."

"Sure we can!" Cherub said, leaning forward earnestly. "We don't have the organs for PIV sex, but we have mouths, we can perform ora--"

"Ugh! Stop! Stop stop stop," Zephyr said, one hand waving in front of her, eyes squinched shut.

Terminal pointed at Cherub. "Ok, one: Cherub, you obviously learned _too much_ from the sexual conduct training. And two: no, really, who I do I have to punch? Because nobody kisses my baby brother without proper threatening first."

"...you think of me like a brother?" Cherub asked, voice gone soft.

"...well, not if you're gonna get all mushy about it, no," Terminal said, scowling and scooting sideways in her chair so she could dangle her legs off the arm. "Kiss whoever you want."

"Ha, no take backsies, you said it!" Cherub fistpumped the air. "Cool, I've never had a sister before."

"Obviously," Zephyr pulled her own bowl of popcorn closer, as if it might defend her from the entire situation. "Can we go back to watching the movie now? I regret every bit of this conversation."

Blueblood leaned back toward Cherub, gesturing. "Hey, don't forget to rewind it back to the kissing part. I could stand to see that again."

" _Every bit,_ " Zephyr said.


End file.
